Marian Palla - How to Flatter a Fat Woman

/translated by Eva Uhlířová/

How to flatter a fat woman

Buy all available books on baroque, cut the pictures out and use them for decorating the bathroom walls. Now the time comes for inviting the fat woman around. Open a bottle of red wine and keep her drinking until she needs to go to the toilet.
After her return, you will instantly feel how flattered she is.

How to forgive a shark that has bitten your leg off

If you indulge in diving in areas that are full of sharks, you have to take the account of the fact that one of them might bite your leg off.
A diver, who has gone through such an experience, usually holds a grudge against sharks until the end of his life although the sharks themselves are not to blame.
They are just hungry and posses big teeth. You cannot expect such a hungry shark just turning away if he sees a nice chunk of meat in the shape of a human leg. Nobody could ask him to resist that. Unfortunately, many divers with one leg missing openly hate these beautiful jewels of marine life without even realizing how simple it could have been to come out on the shore with both legs. For example, if each diver attached a wooden leg to his apparel before diving or ideally five such fakes, there would be a promising chance of the shark making a mistake and ending up with a wooden dinner. However, no diver would ever do such a thing, because they would definitely look silly dragging three wooden legs across the beach down to the sea.
I strongly doubt that any beautiful girl would turn and sigh “Oh, what a fearless man, oh, what a manly male.” And that is why all divers risk their lives and lose legs. It looks like nothing could be done to prevent it, for an admiring stare of a beautiful girl is always worth more than a leg bitten off.

How a blind man stroked the Nessie

Year 2002. Czech system of university education has reached such a high level that even the inhabitants of Central Australia were green with envy. Standa Filipovich received his thirty-sixth grant and as the head of the multi-laboratory, he called all his assistants together to inform them:
“Dear colleagues, I have to announce that we have received extra funding again and I would like to know your opinions on this topic.”
“Oh no! Not again! What a reckless thing! Why us?” cried all the assistants in agony.
“We are the best,” objected Standa Fililpovich.
“Does that mean we will have to come up with some new ideas?” asked assistant Peter. Standa Filipovich nodded unhappily.
“And we’ll have to travel somewhere!” moaned assistant Karel with despair.
Standa Filipovich nodded and said:
“Come on, guys, we are scientists, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, that’s true. But why didn’t the grant go to the faculty of civil engineering this year?” asked the infuriated assistant Peter.
“Because the chicken died. The one they have been feeding with crushed brick,” said Standa Filipovich.
“I’ve got it, boys!” Shouted assistant Karel. “We have to come up with something really impossible... and maybe they will leave us alone!”
“Great, but what should it be?” asked assistant Peter.
Standa Filipovich thought hard about it for a moment.
“Guys, you know what? The other day I went to a pub and ordered a soup that has cost me five meal vouchers and...”
All the assistants looked him with big question marks in their eyes.
“And I realized the only thing that proved to be impossible so far is the quest for the Loch Ness monster!”
“Hooray, hooray! Let’s go to Scotland!” chanted all the assistants and hurried to the airport to get rid of the research task as quickly as possible.
“I’m sure we won’t find it and next year the civil engineers get the damn grant,” everybody chatted happily as they approached the loch. Standa Filipovich officially distributed pencils and papers among the scientists so that nobody could say they did a shoddy job, and they all went to the closest pub on the loch’s shore. Before long they were all comfortably seated and hoped that everything will go smoothly this time.
“Guys, do you remember,” said Standa Filipovich, “the research we did on the red rash in Tibet two years ago?”
“Sure we do,” said assistant Karel, “it took two months and after that we found out...” and he looked accusingly at assistant Peter, who lowered his sight, “that the rash was actually spread by our Peter who visited Tibet the previous year with his sick dog, you know.”
“Okay, boys,” Standa Filipovich calmed the assistants. “I just mentioned it, because as you might remember, we solved that problem in front of a pub, didn’t we?”
The assistants looked at each other with sheer surprise.
“After getting out of this place, we have to be really careful not to actually see the Nessie, do you understand?”
All the assistants nodded and promised they would be extremely careful.
In about half an hour, assistant Peter went to the toilet.
“You gotta be careful! Maybe there’s a little window at the toilet, through which you could see the loch!” assistant Karel reminded him.
“Don’t worry old boy, you know I have been working twenty years at the Institute,” boasted assistant Peter pompously, but the moment he stepped out to the corridor, he opened the wrong door and found himself in front of the pub. In that very second, a gust of wind shook the nearby thicket and two branches poked out Peter’s eyes out. Confused, he started reeling and staggering and soon ended up knee-high in the loch’s water. And suddenly... the water gurgled and something started licking his face. When he touched it, he found out that it was a giant head sitting on an even bigger neck and that it was all wet and smooth. As he was touching it, the thing started climbing out of the water and Peter discovered it also had a tail and numerous fins. Poor tired Peter fell to the ground and started lamenting:
“Damn it, the boss is going to kill me, this thing must be the Nessie!”
He returned to the pub and humbly announced:
“Sirs, I apologize, but I have seen the Loch Ness monster!”
“Bullshit!” shouted assistant Karel resentfully. “You’ve got no eyes, old boy!”
“Well, that’s true, my eyes have been poked out by twigs, but I touched the whole monster and...” And, as a proper scientist, he started to describe the size of the beast, the texture of its skin, the number of its legs, the speed of its movement, the sounds it was making, and the number of times it licked him.
“Dear colleagues,” Standa Filipovich said at once, “here, from assistant Peter’s description it is clear that we have discovered the Loch Ness monster, which means we will have to unpack our tailcoats and start touring the symposia with lectures and that... we will probably get another grant next year...”
“You are useless!” shouted assistant Karel at poor assistant Peter. “Did you really have to touch that thing? Why didn’t you quickly come back after it has licked you and pretend nothing has happened?” Assistant Peter’s head drooped sadly,
“I am a scientist and I couldn’t help myself.” “And in Tibet, you were nothing but a scientist too, weren’t you?” shouted infuriated assistant Karel at the unhappy assistant Peter, who was close to tears. “I resign!” he exclaimed and added, “I will no longer work with you and I am going to the civil engineering faculty instead!”
He did exactly as he promised but as the rumor among the scientists said, it was purely his selfish calculation because the civil engineers are very likely not to receive the grant next year.